Marriage is an institution wherein a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree & the woman gets her Masters.
“Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.” - Kimberley Broyles
If a man is in a forest, and there isn’t a woman present, is he still wrong?
A good line for the guys to remember: “How can I possibly remember your birthday when you never look any older?”
When a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is most certainly love; after marriage it is most likely self-defense.
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Nichole, a young unmarried woman, visits an online dating website and posts the following question: “I would like to find a husband. Can you please help me find a suitable match?”
The site administrator asks: “What qualities are you looking for?”
“He’ll need to be attractive, charming, humorous; keep me informed on the latest political and social issues, and able to serenade me. He’ll gladly spend the day with me if I’m not otherwise occupied, telling me interesting tales if I’m bored, but taking my cue when it’s time to be silent.”
Shortly thereafter, she receives the thoughtful reply: “You need a television.”
If a man says it’s a silly little game for kids, it’s probably something at which his wife can beat him.
- A young lad was in a relative’s wedding. Traipsing down the aisle he would take three steps, stop, and turn to either side of the congregation, put his hands up like claws and roar loudly. So it went: three steps, ROAR, three steps, ROAR, three more steps and ROAR. The congregation had soon lost all sense of decorum. The young lad, however, was perplexed by their laughter and was on the verge of tears as he reached the front. The minister leaned over next to the young boy and asked what he was doing, and the reply was heard clearly through his lapel microphone: “I was being the Ring Bear.”
“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” (Rita Rudner)
A young boy asks: “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” The reply: “Son, I’m not sure – I’m still paying for it.”
Are you a married man? Get in the habit of forgetting your mistakes. There’s no sense two people remembering the same thing.
A satisfactory marriage requires give and take: the husband gives; the wife takes.
Grandma Iris overhears her 9 year-old granddaughter, Liz, playing wedding with a young friend.
As little Lizzie marches her young playmate down the aisle, she offers these ominous wedding vows: “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. You have the right to an attorney. And now you may kiss the bride.”
No matter how often a married man changes jobs, strangely, he ends up with the same boss.
Marriage puts a ring on a woman’s finger & two under the man’s eyes.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” (Phyllis Diller)
Kaela, a young lady flying from Houston to Seattle, takes a seat in 1st class. As the steward checks the seating assignments, she is asked for her ticket. Kaela shows him her ticket, and the Steward politely offers that she must not have read the seat number clearly, and will need to move to the rear of the plane.
“I’m beautiful, charming, and intelligent, and I’m going to Seattle to be a fashion model and marry a billionaire” replied the girl. Taken aback, the steward calls the Senior Steward. The senior steward decides nobody is getting a free upgrade to first class, so she calmly tells the youthful traveler she must move to the back of the plane. “I’m beautiful, charming, and intelligent, and I’m going to Seattle to be a fashion model and marry a billionaire” replies the girl firmly.
The Senior Steward, thinking it might be helpful to call in the troops for this delicate situation, returns in a moment with the co-pilot. The co-pilot takes off his hat, scratches his head, and says somewhat apologetically, “Ma’am, I’m sorry but you’ll need to move to the rear of the cabin.”
Undaunted, Kaela replies: “I’m beautiful, charming, and intelligent, and I’m going to Seattle to be a fashion model and marry a billionaire.” Moments later, the co-pilot returns with the Captain. He confidently leans down to whisper something to the young lady. Immediately, our young prima donna jumps up and happily heads to the back of the plane.
Mystified, the co-pilot asks “What did you say to her?” “I told her first class wasn’t going to Seattle” he replied.
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” (Rita Rudner)
A man and his wife decide to take a vacation in the Holy Land with her mother accompanying them. While there, the wife’s mother dies unexpectedly.
The local officials explain that it will cost $8,000 to have the body returned to the states, or they can pay a mere $600 for a simple burial and ceremony locally.
After pondering this for a moment, the man resolutely states that the body will be shipped home.
Curious, the officials ask the reason for his decision.
Thoughtfully, the man replies, “Over 2,000 years ago a man was buried here, but three days afterward, he rose from the dead. I’m not willing to take that chance.”